Job Chronicles: Taking myself for granted

And now a moment of silence, let us pray
And as you journey into outerspace
may the angels help to lead the way
may the prayers that our families made
shine up on your soul to keep you safe
And all the homies that done passed away
They there to greet you as you pass the gates
And as you headed to the tunnel's light
I hope it leads to eternal life 

                                           --Scarface

RIP Heavy D and Joe Frazier

                                                   

I feel like stir fried crap, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, achy, sore throat…sounding like a Nyquil commercial over here, but hey, the show must go on correct? 

Okay, by the way, Conrad Murray was found Guilty, still doesn’t bring my beloved Michael Jackson back.  It only makes my heart heavy remembering what a tragedy it was to lose him so early.  I have my “theories” on it, but that is another blog, another time. 

So, I quit the Bon Marche because I thought I was “Rich Bitch”   in my Dave Chappelle voice

I did what almost every black person does when they get a little money.  No, I didn’t go to the strip club with a bag of $1’s to make it rain on hoes…I took my ass to BEST BUY! (Shout out to Gadget Girl) You know I had to have the latest in ALL technology.  Hooked myself up a nice tv, surround sound, new VCR—yes, a VCR.   

Of course, I was living “hood rich” but hey, I was young and dumb and certainly didn’t know any better.  But my family of course told me I was making a mistake and should get a job, and that I surely couldn’t live off of 

$12,000.  So, my aunt hooked me up with her friend who worked at a temp agency.  I went in and took the “test” you know those bogus tests they make you take in order to verify your level of stupidity knowledge.  But then again, if you’ve not been in school for a long time, I could imagine it would be quite challenging. 

At any rate, I passed the tests and I was immediately placed in a call center.  Yes, going back to my Dakota Direct days, I was now a “customer service representative” for ESPN.  Yeah it sounded great to work for ESPN, I thought, oh, I’ll be my daddy’s favorite for real, sports, sports and sports?  Yeah, well it was football, football, and football.   

This is when fantasy football FIRST started, and the only website offering fantasy football was ESPN.  So, when dumb ass, beer belly, New England Patriot’s lovin’, internet having men get stuck with their Fantasy Football, I was the person that they would call.  Now remember, back in 1997, this is when having the Internet was a PRIVILEGE!  Not everyone had Internet in 1997.  You went through those free 15-hour AOL disks like water.  AND, this is back when internet was dial up!  Remember that…. dial up!  I would be insulted if I went to someone’s house right now and they have dial up.  I am sure someone in the hills of West Virginia still has dial up and has no clue what WiFi means. 

Anyhow, I was the customer service rep to these assholes, and when I say assholes, I mean every word of it.  Men are mean when it comes to football, and especially when they’re the ones at fault because 9 times out of 10, it was user error as to why Emmit Smith wasn’t showing up on their roster. 

Well, while working there, I was still going out, tricking my “I’m rich bitch” money, and I kept getting approached “are you a model?”  Now if anyone knows me, knows, I’m extremely shy.  Yes, don’t be over there saying “Lisa your ass ain’t shy.”  I’m extremely shy dammit, and I don’t take compliments very well, that’s not true, I take them much better now that I’m in my thirties!   

I suppose, due to my mysterious height (my mom and dad are shorter than me) and my genetically thin body, people would always ask, “are you a model?”  Being the person that I am, of course I did not take that to heart, and just laughed at them like “oh gosh no.”  Then, one day, I pulled out an ancient device known as a phone book and started to look up modeling agencies.  No, I did not have a computer or Internet…. that was not on my list of items to purchase when I was out tricking away my dough.  So I had to use a phone book.  

 I called every modeling agency in the phone book, and they all said I need “comp cards” and had to come to open call.  I didn’t know what a “comp card” or open call was, so I was naturally intimidated.  By the way, a comp card is a composite of your stats (height, weight, size, etc) with snapshot modeling shots of yourself. 

I also didn’t know anyone who was a model, so there was no one I could ask about the industry and I’d be damned if I asked any of my friends/family their advice because they’d just laugh at me “Lisa your skinny ass is NOT model material, who told you that lie”.   Don’t get it wrong, my family/friends are supportive of me and whatever I do, but they also are the ones who saw me when I had nappy hair, and big thick glasses dressing like Urkel’s little sister.   Therefore the thought of me walking down a runway was far from their thoughts, hell, far from my own thoughts, until, I was on the phone with a lady from Future Stars.   She said, “well, we’re not looking for models at the time, but we are looking for someone to help us recruit, perhaps we can work on your portfolio and you can work with us at the same time, why don’t you come in and we’ll talk in detail.”

I went to the agency, and let me tell you, it was a janky ass mom and daughter modeling agency located in a mall and it was a SCAM.   First of all, for anyone who wants to be a model what you’ll need to do is START YOUNG!  Secondly, you don’t need to go to a school, if an agency wants you, THEY WILL pay for you, by any means! 

Anyways, I was working as a recruiter, so with that, I was on commission, and had privy to their contacts and photographers.  Basically, I would take my business cards in the mall (or wherever I was at) walk up to young impressionable teens and tell them they were beautiful and should look into modeling and to call me.   When I would get them in the door, I would sell them on a quasi dream.  Stating that if they enroll into our modeling/etiquette school, (so that they can learn the business), and PAY for their comp cards, that they could possibly be the next fresh face on Seventeen magazine, just pay $1500 for a 3 month course.  

But, hold the phone, there is ALWAYS a disclosure!   

Please note that although you may have signed up for these classes, spent all of this money to be a model, there weren’t any guarantees that if you were sent out on an open call you would get picked.  Therefore, we "suggested" that they would need to be dedicated to the classes, be willing to take “enhancement” classes (make up application, runway, etc) in addition to the classes they were already taking.  SCAM!  So for a month, I did this shit, and I could NOT sell anyone on the expensive $1500 package.  It was bullshit, I knew it, the parents knew it, I was screwing myself, and all the while, the owners of Future Stars were jerking me at my own shot at becoming a model. 

The highlight of Future Stars, I had my own office! Lol  In all of my career life, I’ve NEVER had my own office.  Even to this day, I’ve never had my OWN office.  I loved it, I could shut my door, get on the phone and call my girls and act like I was doing some “follow up calls” on leads. 

Well, while working there, my co-worker, this white girl from Sweden, beautiful girl, she and I were both 21, she had blonde hair, big bright blue eyes, and a thin frame.  She was dating a man way older than her, which I thought was odd, but realized I was in the midst of a real gold digger because that old man was rich.  Anyhow, she was the one who pulled me to the side and said “Lisa, you’re beautiful, you HAVE to BELIEVE it.  You don’t need this place (future stars), call my photographer, get some pictures done and go to a REAL agency, I’m sure they’ll grab you right up.”  

I remember it like yesterday, it was mid day, a black family had just left who's daughter wanted nothing more to be a model and the mom kept saying "I just can't afford $1500 classes." So, I told the owners of Future Stars "This is some bullshit, these classes are bullshit, you're ruining parents credit to sell their little girls dreams of runways and Paris, AND you haven't help me in my own endeavors as you originally promised, so I quit this bitch!"  

I took my co-workers advice, and I paid $150 to have a professional photo shoot done and it was a GREAT photo shoot!  I walked into the Heffner agency (no, not Hugh Heffner) and out of the 30 girls there for open call, I was the only one called back.  I was signed right on the spot and was asked to test shoot with Nordstrom’s in a month.  I was elated, but then I came home to find, I was accepted to Bowie State University, and move in date was in exactly a month...In MARYLAND.  Modeling or College…. how do I decide? 

Next: The Bon Marche...AGAIN!