I'm too old for this! Dating over 40 Part IV

Distant lover, lover (lover, lover, lover)

So many miles away

Heaven knows that I long for you

Every night, every night

I plan, sometimes I dance

Through the day

Distant lover (lover, lover, lover)

You should think about me

And say a prayer for me

Please, please baby

Think about me sometimes

Think about me here

Here in misery

Misery

As I reminisce, oh baby, through our joyful summer together

The promises we made

All the daily letters

Then, all of the sudden

Everything seemed to explode

Now, I gaze out my window

Sugar, down a lonesome road

----Mr. Marvin Gaye

                        

I'm a Virgo; therefore I can be rather particular.  Some call it “bougie” I like to call it preference.  I have a lot of "particulars" such as; I dislike small talk.  I hate it with a PASSION!  While I am not perfect, I like order over chaos.  I'm harder on myself than I am on others.  I don’t use public restrooms—or at least I try my hardest not to.  I hate for my fork and knife to touch the table at a restaurant, you’ll see me pick them up and place them on the plate immediately after placing the napkin in my lap.  I LOVE logistics.  It helps me understand what is going on so that I can be PREPARED.  I won’t go through all of my nuances, but I needed to illustrate I have certain “particulars.”  With that being said, that is how I feel about the men I date.  While I’m mostly attracted to personality over physical, the inner Virgo in me CRAVES the “Perfect Lisa Man”.   I’m sure we all have our “perfect man” that fits our personality and its not that we settle for the ones who are not on our lists, but when we find one that has 80% of the items….whew!!! 

Let’s get into it shall we….

Distant Derrick:

 

You’ve known him for YEARS and always placed him in the “I'm not his type” category, so you admired him from afar—until one summer when mercury is in retrograde, your pheromones are poppin', the stars have aligned and the moon has moved this man to finally notice you.  You're out of town with your girls and ya'll are out and about, drinking, having a good time, your'e not really paying him any attention, but all eyes are on him...I mean LOOK AT HIS FINE ASS!!!  Then, he approaches you with, “Wow, you’re beautiful!”  

Who me? 

Yeah, YOU, GIRL!  You beautiful!  Yes, girl!! YOU!!!!!!  

Not that you don’t think you’re poppin’ you just never thought you was HIS cup of tea.  But okay boo, okay!  Hey baby! 

Let’s kick the stats:

Athletic 
College Educated
GREAT JOB
FINE AS HELL
Charismatic
HOME OWNER!!!!! 
NICE CAR
Way more bougie than you

Watches Game of Thrones
Likes Hip hop, but more of an R&B Person
He got a pension

Yes, girl, a pension.  When you're over 40 you gotta leave these no pension ass dudes alone.  If your ass don't have a pension, we gotta make sure they got one coming.  Ladies, I'm not saying be a gold digger or marry an old dude, but think about your future girl, you don't wanna be the old lady at Wal-Mart checking receipts....you want you a husband who will have a pension, Medicaid, something  when time comes for retirement.  

Anyways, this man got it GOING THE FUCK ON!  Only problem, Distant Derrick lives in another state, miles away. 

So, moving on!  After years of knowing each other in your mind he was arrogant, conceited, stuck on himself and certainly wasn't your "personality type".  However, the more ya'll talk and drink, the more either the alcohol is making you like him more, or Distant Derrick is legit cool and you had him all wrong.  So that summer night when the air was crisp, the stars were aligned, he gives you THE BUSINESS. Even in his 40s, he was picking you up like nothing—not that you're hard to pick up; but men in their 40s typically got old football injuries, ulcers, water on the knee, arthritis, glaucoma, bunion on his toe, herniated disc, loose cartilage, and so forth.

Baby boy gives you an UNEXPECTED summer night to remember and sends your ass home grinning ear to ear! 

After you're home, ya'll keep in touch and I mean ya'll are talking EVERY DAY! CONSTANTLY: FaceTime, Phone, Text…ya'll cannot get enough of each other.  When he wakes up, "Good morning beautiful" .  When he goes to sleep, "Good night beautiful, sweet dreams."  And during the day it's non stop; sending each other songs, pictures, sexting, videos.  It is legit NON STOP.  All gas, no brakes! 

So, naturally the subject of you coming back for a visit becomes a recurring subject.  It only makes sense because ya'll have to see if that shit in the summer was real chemistry or just a fun drunken summer night.  So you tell Distant Derrick, "fuck it, I'll come back down for a visit!" 

Of course you’re nervous as hell and you DON'T TELL A SOUL that you're going.  After that fun weekend, you played it down to your girls that it was a one time thing.  So now you've been lying to your girls telling them every lie in the book because you don’t wanna hear their mouths about “he lives, where? Who’s paying for the ticket?  Who does he live with?—are you sure he ain’t just another “Live in Lamar”.  

Pause.  Leave it to your girls to think the ABSOLUTE worse about a man.  I mean 75% of the time your girls are like bloodhounds, they’ll sniff out the loser in a man off one Facebook screen shot. 

I can send my girls this man and be like, "tell me what ya'll think? Cute, huh?"

and they’ll come up with 101 reasons why he ain’t shit. 

“Bitch, I heard he got two kids, a wife named Michelle and a dog named Bo. He's a lawyer, and all lawyers lie, they're professional liars, bitch he's telling a lie in that picture!  He ain’t shit girl, throw him back” 

Well damn, I mean do you think he's handsome?  “No bitch, look at them ears!  Talkin' about he's from Hawaii, girl please! you're better off with Struggling Stephon with his fine ass.”  

Your girls don’t want to see you happy, fuck them hoes!

LOL Nah, I’m playing, your girls are good, because if no one else will look out for you, it’s your girls.  Good, bad or indifferent. 

Anyways, so you sneak your fast ass out of town for the “Get the D from Distant Derrick” trip.  

So, he picks you up from the airport, grabs your bags, opens the car door for you, and he is looking so handsome in his button up and tie...he claims he came from jury duty, but he looked good for you!  

First, ya'll pull into his neighborhood and already in your "boughetto" mind you're off the Shenehneh, "Oh my goodness...this is niiiiicceee"  But you keep your composure 

Then, ya'll pull up to Distant Derrick's house and its HUGE!  You are ALL THE WAY IMPRESSED!  

So he gives you the tour of his 4 bedroom 3 bathroom house.  Certainly decorated like a bachelor's pad, but still, you're walking through making note of all the places you want to have sex.

So, after an hour of being there, and having a few drinks to unwind, the rest of the night goes a little something like this, hit it:
  

Shower:

Foreplay:

And more:

and then..

And then...

Then..

You meet ecstasy TOGETHER. He goes to the bathroom comes back with a warm washcloth, wipes you like he’s wiping a newborn baby. 

Dammit, bitch you're in LOVE WITH THIS MUTHAFUCCA!

THIS SHIT IS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE!!!! 

While he is at work, you’re getting your June Cleaver on through the house: washing sheets, cooking yourself brunch, drinking mimosas by your damn self.   You ordering packages on Amazon, putting HIS address with YOUR name on it.  Since he put his name on your pussy, you're putting your name on these Amazon packages, damn that.  You’re for real, for real planning on living all up and through this house.  

Then you get to snooping--gotta see if there are any remnants of another bitch.  You go into his walk in closet, smell his clothes and think, “Dear God this man smells good!”  

Why do men leave women alone?  We're gonna go through EVERYTHING!  You're looking through old shoe boxes, junk drawers, looking in the garage in boxes, then you realize…If you don’t take your BORED, NOSY ass in the house and sit the hell down somewhere.  Stop violating trust!   Hell, if you was going to be Mrs. Distant Derrick, you had to be acclimated with EVERYTHING.

The visit ends and and you're back home.  The both of you had a WONDERFUL time.  However, this is where compromise isn’t compromising. Distant Derrick is adamant that he doesn’t want to be in a long distance relationship and is hinting to you about moving out of state so that ya'll can be together.  Now, you have a HUGE decision to make. 

You don't have anything keeping you from going, no kids, no house, no demanding career, so logically, yes, you could move.  However, being the independent woman that your mother molded you to be, the thought of moving to another state FOR A MAN (not even a boyfriend, fiance or a husband) was a bit crippling and honestly, scares you to your core. 

So, you ask Distant Derrick for a little time to sort things out, come up with a plan, you know..THE LOGISTICS OF IT ALL!!!  

Days turn into weeks, weeks turn into just shy of two months and you say, "YES BABY, I'LL MOVE!"  

But it's too late, Distant Derrick grew impatient.  

She bought him a custom Tesla, he put his house up for sale, he's moving in with her, and they're getting married.  

"Local Lauren" was right around the corner in HER own house, just waiting for you to drop the ball. 

Next time on: I'm getting too old for this: Case of the Ex(es)