So, a particular video recently posted on Facebook regarding
how black women are more submissive when they date/marry white men. Naturally, the video infuriated me because it
has nothing to do with color/race, but how people treat one another within the
confines of the relationship. HOWEVER, I
do believe, in my own experience there IS a difference between dating black men
versus dating white men. But then again,
I am the same person who believes there is a difference in dating East Coast
men versus West Coast men. So sit back,
grab your favorite drink and roll with me while I elaborate on my own personal dating
experiences.
WHITE GUYS:
Like MJ said, it doesn't matter if you're black or white
First, let me say, growing up, and even now, I have/had a hard time with
seeing black men date white women. Mostly because it felt like rejection
to me, hell it was rejection because the men in my hometown did not want me AT
ALL! I grew up being over looked for YEARS!!! I have a
complex about that...the feeling of not being good enough because of my race by
my own race is really a serious issue. Some guys back home will
argue that it's the "Lisa is the homie" factor, but it was also the,
"White girls seemed more "willing" and more alluring" factor. That is
my disclaimer, that for a long time I had an issue with interracial
dating...until, white guys started dating me.... at that point, who cared about
race??? LOL Love is color blind, dammit!!!
The first guy I ever made out with, was white. It was the most amazing and horrific experience EVER. I won’t elaborate on the entire story, but in short, we made out in his car after a school trip to WSU my senior year, and needless to say I was on cloud nine...until his girlfriend found out.
Pause!!!
Damn, was that my first side chick experience? I do believe it was!!! I swear, I begrudgingly have to admit; I’ve been a sidepiece since I was 17! I could look at it, as I’m overly desired, but the downfall is, I am a home wrecker! Not by choice tho!!! I swear to goodness…my momma did NOT RAISE me this way, but what can I say, I'm irresistible…just ask your man!!! WHOOP!
Don’t worry, it’s my wit and personality, it has nothing to do with my sexual allure, because I don't have sexual allure, lol wellllllll, maybe a little!!! I'm JUST KIDDING...or am I?
The first guy I ever made out with, was white. It was the most amazing and horrific experience EVER. I won’t elaborate on the entire story, but in short, we made out in his car after a school trip to WSU my senior year, and needless to say I was on cloud nine...until his girlfriend found out.
Pause!!!
Damn, was that my first side chick experience? I do believe it was!!! I swear, I begrudgingly have to admit; I’ve been a sidepiece since I was 17! I could look at it, as I’m overly desired, but the downfall is, I am a home wrecker! Not by choice tho!!! I swear to goodness…my momma did NOT RAISE me this way, but what can I say, I'm irresistible…just ask your man!!! WHOOP!
Don’t worry, it’s my wit and personality, it has nothing to do with my sexual allure, because I don't have sexual allure, lol wellllllll, maybe a little!!! I'm JUST KIDDING...or am I?
Anyways, back to white guys.
I’ve dated two white guys, both who I hold extremely close to my heart because they were the first loves of my life. One who was my first REAL BOYFRIEND, and I was so open! But he made me totally open to him, it was easy to love him and I thought all relationships were suppose to be that easy. Well they should be easy, who wants a complicated relationship anyway? Well, moving along...
The joys of dating white men:
BLACK MEN: WEST COAST
Here comes the curve ball, because dating black men for me was a totally different experience due to the coast I was living on. After dating two white men on the west coast, my experience with black men on the west coast was always dramatic--to say the least.
Let me say, I am NOT here to bash men on the West Coast!! I have my faults in the failed relationships with men on the west coast; however, those relationships weren't healthy and were very toxic. I have myself to blame because I kept attracting the same type of men...however, I thought I needed this certain type of man for my sassy personality. You know ladies, the "bad boy", or the "gangsta"or the "hustla".
If your dude didn't look like he stepped out of a West Coast hip hop video, sorry boo, your dude is a square. Period. I needed white t-shirt, creased jeans, K-Swiss and smelling like fresh cologne mixed with some chronic or Hennessy. Don't judge me, I was just going with the trend in what I "thought" I liked in a man. And trust me, it was fun...but that's all it was, just fun.
I have found that my generation of black men who live on the west coast have engrained in their minds that, "b*tches ain't sh*t but hoes and tricks", therefore, they treated us as such, and we accepted it.
Growing up to Snoop, Ice Cube. Too $hort, E-40, black men on the west coast were subliminally taught to really hate black women with songs like, "Ain't no fun if the homies can't have none" (my personal favorite), "A bitch is a bitch", "Captain Save a Hoe"...shall I go on?
Whereas on the East Coast, LL Cool J was singing, "I Need Love" and putting black women on pedestals. A Tribe Called Quest was singing about an Electric Relaxation and Heavy D had nothing but love for ya!!! So subliminally, black men on the east coast were hearing positive reinforcements of love to black women.
Now, being the loyal woman that I am to my west coast brothas, I went along with the derogation of women, because I was young and dumb. So, unfortunately as a result of negative influences in music I dated men who: didn't care about courting a young lady, thought it was cool to be a player and have multiple women, never spent money on women because it was called, "trickin", never opened doors for a woman because that was deemed, "a sucka". LL Cool J was laying down jackets so women can walk over a puddle, whereas we all know what Too $hort's favorite word is.... BITCH!!!!
I'm not saying we should blame the music in regards to the dysfunction in black relationships, but we certainly can't ignore it either. I don't proclaim to be a hip hop-culture theorist, but I'm certainly intelligent enough to form my own theories based on my life experiences.... particularly with dating.
One could argue, "well, Malisea, you dated hood boys, so that's what you get!" And that is very true, however, unlike the East Coast, there isn't an HBCU around every corner, so getting a college boy was very slim...and if they're in school in Washington, chances are, they're from out of state and did NOT grow up on the West Coast. The military men I dated, same thing, they weren't from the West Coast, but I thought they were square bears...zzz boring. There is a good crop of dudes in Washington; however, I was deemed the "homie" so they didn't date me.
But let me tell you what I love about West Coast Black men:
Now, someone might argue again, "Lisa, these are all personal attributes, not an attribute of an entire subset of men." Again, this is MY EXPERIENCE in dating men on the west coast and watching my west coast friends deal with west coast knuckleheads. I will say, my last west coast lover taught me so much about life it was ridiculous, but unfortunately, he didn't show me anything about being in a fulfilling relationship. If anything, we just loved each other without any goals, without any direction, it was very fun...but no focus, no real intent, just fun.
I’ve dated two white guys, both who I hold extremely close to my heart because they were the first loves of my life. One who was my first REAL BOYFRIEND, and I was so open! But he made me totally open to him, it was easy to love him and I thought all relationships were suppose to be that easy. Well they should be easy, who wants a complicated relationship anyway? Well, moving along...
The joys of dating white men:
- White men are in awe of my beautiful brown skin. Period. They love it!
- Conversation on race relations and our interracial relationship were very engaging
- They're much more gentle in ALL ASPECTS. Talk, touch, sex...everything
- Always told me how beautiful I was...ALWAYS
- Did not play games!! Never worried about other women
- PDA, always showed me affection. Not heavy PDA, but subtle, gentle and always on time
- Always up for an adventure
- Introduce me to things outside of the norm--you know things black folks "don't do"
- VERY SENSUAL
- Honest, even when it hurt me--they told me the truth in a diplomatic way
- Always made time for me and paid attention to my needs, my wants and my desires
BLACK MEN: WEST COAST
Here comes the curve ball, because dating black men for me was a totally different experience due to the coast I was living on. After dating two white men on the west coast, my experience with black men on the west coast was always dramatic--to say the least.
Let me say, I am NOT here to bash men on the West Coast!! I have my faults in the failed relationships with men on the west coast; however, those relationships weren't healthy and were very toxic. I have myself to blame because I kept attracting the same type of men...however, I thought I needed this certain type of man for my sassy personality. You know ladies, the "bad boy", or the "gangsta"or the "hustla".
I have found that my generation of black men who live on the west coast have engrained in their minds that, "b*tches ain't sh*t but hoes and tricks", therefore, they treated us as such, and we accepted it.
Growing up to Snoop, Ice Cube. Too $hort, E-40, black men on the west coast were subliminally taught to really hate black women with songs like, "Ain't no fun if the homies can't have none" (my personal favorite), "A bitch is a bitch", "Captain Save a Hoe"...shall I go on?
Whereas on the East Coast, LL Cool J was singing, "I Need Love" and putting black women on pedestals. A Tribe Called Quest was singing about an Electric Relaxation and Heavy D had nothing but love for ya!!! So subliminally, black men on the east coast were hearing positive reinforcements of love to black women.
Now, being the loyal woman that I am to my west coast brothas, I went along with the derogation of women, because I was young and dumb. So, unfortunately as a result of negative influences in music I dated men who: didn't care about courting a young lady, thought it was cool to be a player and have multiple women, never spent money on women because it was called, "trickin", never opened doors for a woman because that was deemed, "a sucka". LL Cool J was laying down jackets so women can walk over a puddle, whereas we all know what Too $hort's favorite word is.... BITCH!!!!
I'm not saying we should blame the music in regards to the dysfunction in black relationships, but we certainly can't ignore it either. I don't proclaim to be a hip hop-culture theorist, but I'm certainly intelligent enough to form my own theories based on my life experiences.... particularly with dating.
One could argue, "well, Malisea, you dated hood boys, so that's what you get!" And that is very true, however, unlike the East Coast, there isn't an HBCU around every corner, so getting a college boy was very slim...and if they're in school in Washington, chances are, they're from out of state and did NOT grow up on the West Coast. The military men I dated, same thing, they weren't from the West Coast, but I thought they were square bears...zzz boring. There is a good crop of dudes in Washington; however, I was deemed the "homie" so they didn't date me.
But let me tell you what I love about West Coast Black men:
- They may not express how they feel verbally, but will certainly show you in subtle ways
- Will ride for their girl
- Not insecure, have strong egos
- Will be dammed if another dude rolls up on their girl, or it's a problem
- LOYAL!!!
- Most are VERY athletic
- Can have FUN!!!
- So laid back!!!!
- Genuine! Some of the most sincere men. Nothing ever fake or pretentious
- Street smarts on 100!
- Can make the best friends and it really be platonic--no hidden agenda
- They're VERY high on RESPECT! no one likes disrespect, but WC men handle it different
- SWAG IS ON FIRE!!!
Now, someone might argue again, "Lisa, these are all personal attributes, not an attribute of an entire subset of men." Again, this is MY EXPERIENCE in dating men on the west coast and watching my west coast friends deal with west coast knuckleheads. I will say, my last west coast lover taught me so much about life it was ridiculous, but unfortunately, he didn't show me anything about being in a fulfilling relationship. If anything, we just loved each other without any goals, without any direction, it was very fun...but no focus, no real intent, just fun.
BLACK MEN: EAST COAST:
I moved to the East Coast still having a west coast mentality, especially
when it came to dating. The guy who I fell for here on the East Coast turned my world totally
upside down, and I wasn't mature enough to handle it. He was the first black guy to
actually take me on dates and do things for me that was in the realm of
chivalry. He talked to me gently, not hard core like west coast
men. The west coast men NEVER took me
on a date unless I suggested it. He bought me flowers, my first time EVER
getting flowers from a man and not just flowers, fall sunflowers, because my
birthday is in the fall, and we both loved fall. He was the very first
man to MAKE LOVE TO ME. Now, the white boyfriend made love to me, but it
was different...and as I type this, I'm trying to figure out the way to explain
the difference. I can't put my finger on it, but it was just
different. I guess because it was the first time I had EVER been made
love to by a black man. The relationship didn't last...blame
me. I won't throw myself under the bus, but I EFFED it up. That's
all I can say...just know that I own that failed relationship.
Anyways, I went on to date other east coast men and had a very loving and fulfilling relationship/friendship with my East Coast love of 8 years and he again showed me that East Coast men and West coast men are just different. I will say, I NEVER had to worry about being cheated on until I moved to the East Coast. On the West Coast, I had never been cheated on (if I wasn't the side chick), it wasn't until I got to the East Coast that I got cheated on or was placed in the situation of unknowingly being the side chick, not by choice.
East Coast men are:
- Aggressive in their approach
- Serious
- Do NOT like competition. Won't ride for their girl, they'll quicker leave her and let the next man have her. Not sure if that is good or bad, but I think fighting for your girl is kinda romantic, lol
- A little bit more established
- Respectable of women in general
- Not afraid to take women on dates and be a gentleman
- Wants to spend time with their ladies
- Protective
- Smooth. Casanova smooth. Like Makers Mark smooth
- Supportive
- Great Fashion
- Not intimidated by a strong, successful black woman, seemingly, they're surrounded by them
- Successful (in their lives--not according to Forbes or anything)
- College educated (all the ones I've dated)
YESSSS!!! That Grown n' Sexy smoothness!!! East Coast Men have this down to a T!
LOL, until next time...
Coming to you live and direct from the temple of MaLisea Queen where all she wants is love and it doesn't matter if he's white or black or east or west coast!!!
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